Happy International Friendship Day, everyone! Did you know it was today? I thought today I would talk a little bit about my thoughts and feelings around friendship. Recently, I realised that my view on friendship has shifted dramatically. I used to be so pragmatic on friendship, which has stressed me out on more than one occasions. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I was exposed to several views on this topic like I had never known before—and it opened my mind.
You see, friendship has always eluded me—I never really quite know what to do about it. Friends often make me feel greatly insecure and doubt myself in more ways than one—whether they realise it or not. I daresay I feel much more secure in romantic relationships than I do in friendships. Lately, though, I feel immensely different about it. No, I’m not cured of my insecurities or suddenly flooded with thousands of friends. I just feel a little more relaxed about being friends with people. Well, here are ten of my top thoughts on friendship. Enjoy!
1. Choose quality over quantity
This goes without saying, of course, but sometimes we forget that a friendship is only as good as its quality. Me, for example—I would feel a great deal of FOMO when seeing people having fun with their friends on social media, although I know nothing about the quality of their bonds. As you grow older, however, you will have less time for other people, which will force you to prioritise your friends and keep only those you feel is worth it—whatever that may mean for you.
Inevitably, the quantity of your friends will diminish greatly—it’s just a natural part of life. However, if you cultivate actual, meaningful relationships with the friends you currently have, they will be all you need.
2. Length truly doesn’t matter in the end
We often put a lot more meaning and significance to the length of something, particularly relationships. Friendship is no different. However—I hate to break it to you—it’s all a myth. You might’ve even heard the saying, “If you’ve been friends for 7 years or more, you’ll be friends for life”—don’t take it at face value, though. Let us go back to point no. 1—at the end of the day, what matters is the quality of the friendship.
Whether you’ve known someone for ten years or ten days makes no difference—you could still know very little about each other. Also, after years, people change. It is entirely possible to know someone so well in high school and not being able to connect with them anymore after college. But, if your friendship stands the test of time—hey, that’s just a bonus.
3. Frequency also doesn’t matter
When we were in school, we saw our friends everyday. We saw them in class, during breaks, after school hangouts and maybe even some more during the weekends. Our days kind of revolved around each other and we got used to hanging out with them so frequently. However, as we get older, we’ve accumulated more responsibilities in our lives—our career, our family, our romantic partner—and somehow we have less time for our friends.
We might start to feel guilty and feel like we’re losing friends, but just because you don’t talk to someone everyday, that doesn’t mean your friendship loses its quality. You can talk to someone once a year or less and still have a great time every time you do, or feel each other’s support whenever needed. Isn’t that what matters in the end?
4. Social media does not confirm your bond
We’ve seen it all the time: people posting about their friends on social media. Whether it’s their latest hangout, a gift they received from friends or their friends recent birthday—there’s always a reason to post about your friends. Now, if you’re the one doing the post and/or involved in it, it may seem great—you’ll just be recounting happy memories together.
However, if you’re just a stranger from afar—especially a lonely one—you may feel jealous of these people’s friendships when, in fact, you know nothing about the reality of their bonds. Posting about what they do together and/or wishing each other happy birthdays on Instagram doesn’t guarantee a healthy, supportive relationship between friends—whether yours or anyone else’s.
5. Toxicity is a two-way street
We’ve all been taught to filter our friends and, basically, cut off those who are toxic to us. But we’re rarely ever told that it takes two to be toxic. Honestly, this part may also apply to other relationships—romantic, familial, professional—and I think it’s important to know. In my experience, there is a phenomenon called mirroring, in which we tend to reflect what our closest people do to us. Say, your friends keeps criticising everything you do, shading people behind their backs or enabling your damaging behaviours—there’s a good chance you’re doing the same to them, and maybe even others.
So, before you decide to cut people out of your life, maybe first evaluate the kind of friendship that you have. If possible, talk it out with your friends, acknowledge your role in this too and commit to improve.
6. Time may heal, but it may also hurt
If you’re lucky, you probably had never gone through a friendship breakup. It’s different from drifting apart—friendship breakups initiate the ending of friendships with full knowledge of its weight. I am finally at a position to be able to say that friendship breakups are far more painful than romantic breakup—at least, in my experience. When you break up with your partner, there’s a chance of them being your friend afterwards, but with friendship breakup, it’s like the tie is severed completely.
However, friendship breakups have a better chance at reconciliation—I’ve had a couple of mine reconciled as well. Sometimes time truly does heal and give that breathing space for each party to forgive whatever happened, but sometimes the longer you are in a breakup the harder it is to make up. And, just like a romantic breakup, we can only accept it and move on.
7. Action speaks louder than intention
I’m sure you’ve met one or two people who swear they really want to do things, but never actually did it. Sometimes it is something that is very personal to them, sometimes it affects their relationship to us. They will go on and on about wanting to be there for you, wanting to see you or wanting to do things with you—but somehow the words fall flat, without actions to back them up. You may be pleased by their intention alone, you even make up excuses as to why they hadn’t come around to doing those things—or worse, you blame yourself for their inaction. Well, don’t bother!
There are people out there who will do or have actually done the things upon which these people fail to follow through. People who say nothing about the want, but have managed to act on it anyway. The reality is in the actions—if they’ve never done anything for you, despite wanting to, they may never do it at all.
8. Money can make or break your bond
As we grow older, we become more aware of the existence of monetary value—especially since we’ll start earning our own wealth. Of course, with this also comes a whole lot of new responsibilities, i.e. bills. This may create friction within a relationship—friendship and romantic, especially. There’s a good chance that you and your friends will not earn the exact amount of salary per month—even if you work in the same company—so your financial views may distort accordingly. You can be the less prosper one in your group and wouldn’t be able to afford the same kind of lifestyle the rest of your friends choose.
As money is a sensitive issue, it may feel awkward and downright uncomfortable to discuss it. However, for the health of your wallet—and friendship—you should try. If your friends are true, this small friction will not get in the way of your quality time.
9. If they value you, they’ll never let you go
This may be something that is hard to hear, but, ultimately, a true friend will never let you go. Say, you go to different universities or work at different companies—heck, you can move to the moon even—and if your friend finds value in keeping you around, they will find a way to make the friendship work. If you’re mad at them or tired of their drama, they will try to reconcile with you and make it up to you. They will practically do anything to keep you in their lives, because they believe that you’re worth it. You should do the same too, if a friend truly matters to you.
However, if a friend gives up on you after one fight or no longer remembers you after moving someplace else, perhaps it’s their way of saying this friendship has run its course. Don’t pine of those people, unless you find them worthy of the extra effort.
10. Choosing your partner first is only natural
When we were much younger, we were made to believe that we should choose friends over significant others. Bros over hoes, sisters before misters—something like that. While it seemed to make sense in our teens—I was told that boys and girls come and go during those years—it doesn’t seem to apply anymore as we’re getting older. In our teens, boyfriends/girlfriends are seen as temporary comfort. The idea is that you will eventually end your teenage romantic relationships, but your friends will be there to pick up the pieces.
Yet, now in my late 20s, partners are seen to have a far more committed role—especially if you’re already married. It would be unthinkable to ask a husband to choose his friends over his wife—she’s his family now. And, even when we’re not married yet, our partner will (hopefully) eventually become our family too—which makes choosing them first natural. In fact, some of us will find out partners to be our best friends later in life—as they should be.
In the past 28 years of my life, I have gained and lost more friends than I’d like to count. There are friends that I’ve known for over 15 years and still know so well even today. There are friends who used to be inseparable from me, but I no longer talk to. There are friends who had lost contact with me for years, but we recently found each other again through social media and now talk frequently.
There are friends that I’ve known for less than a year, but I feel like very comfortable around. There are friends that I’ve truly never met in person, but we have inside jokes. Friendship is truly magical and mysterious that way. I’ve tried to understand it for over 2 decades, and still I do not know its inner workings. But now I stop trying and just enjoy the ride. Hope you’re having an amazing day with your friends as well!
Here’s to all my friends, wherever you are and whether or not we still talk to each other. May you have a wonderful day today!
Happy International Friendship Day, everyone! Did you know it was today? I thought today I would talk a little bit about my thoughts and feelings around friendship. Recently, I realised that my view on friendship has shifted dramatically. I used to be so pragmatic on friendship, which has stressed me out on more than one occasions. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I was exposed to several views on this topic like I had never known before—and it opened my mind.
You see, friendship has always eluded me—I never really quite know what to do about it. Friends often make me feel greatly insecure and doubt myself in more ways than one—whether they realise it or not. I daresay I feel much more secure in romantic relationships than I do in friendships. Lately, though, I feel immensely different about it. No, I’m not cured of my insecurities or suddenly flooded with thousands of friends. I just feel a little more relaxed about being friends with people. Well, here are ten of my top thoughts on friendship. Enjoy!
1. Choose quality over quantity
This goes without saying, of course, but sometimes we forget that a friendship is only as good as its quality. Me, for example—I would feel a great deal of FOMO when seeing people having fun with their friends on social media, although I know nothing about the quality of their bonds. As you grow older, however, you will have less time for other people, which will force you to prioritise your friends and keep only those you feel is worth it—whatever that may mean for you.
Inevitably, the quantity of your friends will diminish greatly—it’s just a natural part of life. However, if you cultivate actual, meaningful relationships with the friends you currently have, they will be all you need.
2. Length truly doesn’t matter in the end
We often put a lot more meaning and significance to the length of something, particularly relationships. Friendship is no different. However—I hate to break it to you—it’s all a myth. You might’ve even heard the saying, “If you’ve been friends for 7 years or more, you’ll be friends for life”—don’t take it at face value, though. Let us go back to point no. 1—at the end of the day, what matters is the quality of the friendship.
Whether you’ve known someone for ten years or ten days makes no difference—you could still know very little about each other. Also, after years, people change. It is entirely possible to know someone so well in high school and not being able to connect with them anymore after college. But, if your friendship stands the test of time—hey, that’s just a bonus.
3. Frequency also doesn’t matter
When we were in school, we saw our friends everyday. We saw them in class, during breaks, after school hangouts and maybe even some more during the weekends. Our days kind of revolved around each other and we got used to hanging out with them so frequently. However, as we get older, we’ve accumulated more responsibilities in our lives—our career, our family, our romantic partner—and somehow we have less time for our friends.
We might start to feel guilty and feel like we’re losing friends, but just because you don’t talk to someone everyday, that doesn’t mean your friendship loses its quality. You can talk to someone once a year or less and still have a great time every time you do, or feel each other’s support whenever needed. Isn’t that what matters in the end?
4. Social media does not confirm your bond
We’ve seen it all the time: people posting about their friends on social media. Whether it’s their latest hangout, a gift they received from friends or their friends recent birthday—there’s always a reason to post about your friends. Now, if you’re the one doing the post and/or involved in it, it may seem great—you’ll just be recounting happy memories together.
However, if you’re just a stranger from afar—especially a lonely one—you may feel jealous of these people’s friendships when, in fact, you know nothing about the reality of their bonds. Posting about what they do together and/or wishing each other happy birthdays on Instagram doesn’t guarantee a healthy, supportive relationship between friends—whether yours or anyone else’s.
5. Toxicity is a two-way street
We’ve all been taught to filter our friends and, basically, cut off those who are toxic to us. But we’re rarely ever told that it takes two to be toxic. Honestly, this part may also apply to other relationships—romantic, familial, professional—and I think it’s important to know. In my experience, there is a phenomenon called mirroring, in which we tend to reflect what our closest people do to us. Say, your friends keeps criticising everything you do, shading people behind their backs or enabling your damaging behaviours—there’s a good chance you’re doing the same to them, and maybe even others.
So, before you decide to cut people out of your life, maybe first evaluate the kind of friendship that you have. If possible, talk it out with your friends, acknowledge your role in this too and commit to improve.
6. Time may heal, but it may also hurt
If you’re lucky, you probably had never gone through a friendship breakup. It’s different from drifting apart—friendship breakups initiate the ending of friendships with full knowledge of its weight. I am finally at a position to be able to say that friendship breakups are far more painful than romantic breakup—at least, in my experience. When you break up with your partner, there’s a chance of them being your friend afterwards, but with friendship breakup, it’s like the tie is severed completely.
However, friendship breakups have a better chance at reconciliation—I’ve had a couple of mine reconciled as well. Sometimes time truly does heal and give that breathing space for each party to forgive whatever happened, but sometimes the longer you are in a breakup the harder it is to make up. And, just like a romantic breakup, we can only accept it and move on.
7. Action speaks louder than intention
I’m sure you’ve met one or two people who swear they really want to do things, but never actually did it. Sometimes it is something that is very personal to them, sometimes it affects their relationship to us. They will go on and on about wanting to be there for you, wanting to see you or wanting to do things with you—but somehow the words fall flat, without actions to back them up. You may be pleased by their intention alone, you even make up excuses as to why they hadn’t come around to doing those things—or worse, you blame yourself for their inaction. Well, don’t bother!
There are people out there who will do or have actually done the things upon which these people fail to follow through. People who say nothing about the want, but have managed to act on it anyway. The reality is in the actions—if they’ve never done anything for you, despite wanting to, they may never do it at all.
8. Money can make or break your bond
As we grow older, we become more aware of the existence of monetary value—especially since we’ll start earning our own wealth. Of course, with this also comes a whole lot of new responsibilities, i.e. bills. This may create friction within a relationship—friendship and romantic, especially. There’s a good chance that you and your friends will not earn the exact amount of salary per month—even if you work in the same company—so your financial views may distort accordingly. You can be the less prosper one in your group and wouldn’t be able to afford the same kind of lifestyle the rest of your friends choose.
As money is a sensitive issue, it may feel awkward and downright uncomfortable to discuss it. However, for the health of your wallet—and friendship—you should try. If your friends are true, this small friction will not get in the way of your quality time.
9. If they value you, they’ll never let you go
This may be something that is hard to hear, but, ultimately, a true friend will never let you go. Say, you go to different universities or work at different companies—heck, you can move to the moon even—and if your friend finds value in keeping you around, they will find a way to make the friendship work. If you’re mad at them or tired of their drama, they will try to reconcile with you and make it up to you. They will practically do anything to keep you in their lives, because they believe that you’re worth it. You should do the same too, if a friend truly matters to you.
However, if a friend gives up on you after one fight or no longer remembers you after moving someplace else, perhaps it’s their way of saying this friendship has run its course. Don’t pine of those people, unless you find them worthy of the extra effort.
10. Choosing your partner first is only natural
When we were much younger, we were made to believe that we should choose friends over significant others. Bros over hoes, sisters before misters—something like that. While it seemed to make sense in our teens—I was told that boys and girls come and go during those years—it doesn’t seem to apply anymore as we’re getting older. In our teens, boyfriends/girlfriends are seen as temporary comfort. The idea is that you will eventually end your teenage romantic relationships, but your friends will be there to pick up the pieces.
Yet, now in my late 20s, partners are seen to have a far more committed role—especially if you’re already married. It would be unthinkable to ask a husband to choose his friends over his wife—she’s his family now. And, even when we’re not married yet, our partner will (hopefully) eventually become our family too—which makes choosing them first natural. In fact, some of us will find out partners to be our best friends later in life—as they should be.
In the past 28 years of my life, I have gained and lost more friends than I’d like to count. There are friends that I’ve known for over 15 years and still know so well even today. There are friends who used to be inseparable from me, but I no longer talk to. There are friends who had lost contact with me for years, but we recently found each other again through social media and now talk frequently.
There are friends that I’ve known for less than a year, but I feel like very comfortable around. There are friends that I’ve truly never met in person, but we have inside jokes. Friendship is truly magical and mysterious that way. I’ve tried to understand it for over 2 decades, and still I do not know its inner workings. But now I stop trying and just enjoy the ride. Hope you’re having an amazing day with your friends as well!
Here’s to all my friends, wherever you are and whether or not we still talk to each other. May you have a wonderful day today!