Dear Decade,
Dear Decade,
How do I even start this? It feels so surreal that we are at the end of the line here. I swear it was only yesterday that we met as I was feeling inadequate to be turning the big 2 0. Crazy how quickly time flies! I don’t know how to feel about you. You’ve left me with some complicated feelings—but what can I say? It’s undeniable that we grew up together. It feels both exhilarating and devastating to say goodbye to you now. Because—no matter what—you are definitely the best years of my life, so far. You were kind at times, but cruel at others. You were always unpredictable, constantly catching me by surprise—throwing me curve ball after curve ball. But you are the reason I am who I am today, and I’ll never forget that. So, maybe, let us take a walk down memory lane together. Perhaps before we part ways forever.
How do I even start this? It feels so surreal that we are at the end of the line here. I swear it was only yesterday that we met as I was feeling inadequate to be turning the big 2 0. Crazy how quickly time flies! I don’t know how to feel about you. You’ve left me with some complicated feelings—but what can I say? It’s undeniable that we grew up together. It feels both exhilarating and devastating to say goodbye to you now. Because—no matter what—you are definitely the best years of my life, so far. You were kind at times, but cruel at others. You were always unpredictable, constantly catching me by surprise—throwing me curve ball after curve ball. But you are the reason I am who I am today, and I’ll never forget that. So, maybe, let us take a walk down memory lane together. Perhaps before we part ways forever.
The Decade of Explorations & Discovery
When we first met, I was determined to experience as many people, places and things as possible. A golden time between graduating high school and starting a family, you gave me the opportunity to explore and discover all sorts of possibilities. It led to a lot of my first experiences—my first relationship, the first time I moved out of my parents’ house, the first time I moved abroad, the first time I went solo traveling, the first foreigner friends that I made, the first time I went on vacation abroad without my parents, my first (freelance and full-time) job. Ah, good times.
We went to Germany, to Italy, to France, to Holland, to Belgium together. We saw so many amazing sights and other unexpected ones. There were art nouveau buildings, priceless works of art, interesting cuisines and even more interesting strangers. There were also times of blunder—like all the time we got lost without speaking a word of the native tongue, or the time we got duped into eating the subpar local food, or the time our bus broke down on the way to our destination. But with each of those blunders comes priceless moments I wouldn’t trade for the world. You know, like the time we had girls’ night-in in Rome, or the time we sneaked into our technically overcrowded room in Paris. That made our trip.
When we first met, I was determined to experience as many people, places and things as possible. A golden time between graduating high school and starting a family, you gave me the opportunity to explore and discover all sorts of possibilities. It led to a lot of my first experiences—my first relationship, the first time I moved out of my parents’ house, the first time I moved abroad, the first time I went solo traveling, the first foreigner friends that I made, the first time I went on vacation abroad without my parents, my first (freelance and full-time) job. Ah, good times.
We went to Germany, to Italy, to France, to Holland, to Belgium together. We saw so many amazing sights and other unexpected ones. There were art nouveau buildings, priceless works of art, interesting cuisines and even more interesting strangers. There were also times of blunder—like all the time we got lost without speaking a word of the native tongue, or the time we got duped into eating the subpar local food, or the time our bus broke down on the way to our destination. But with each of those blunders comes priceless moments I wouldn’t trade for the world. You know, like the time we had girls’ night-in in Rome, or the time we sneaked into our technically overcrowded room in Paris. That made our trip.
You also pointed me in the direction of so many amazing people—both online and IRL—from all over the world. Surely, you remember Jen?! She’s one of the first people I got to know from this little ol’ blog—and I wouldn’t have believed it if you told me I would still keep in contact with her even today. There was also Saku-chan, who was practically my best friend back in Kassel. Then there were the lovely ladies from Tisseuses d’idées who came to visit me in Indonesia back in 2019—they were marvellous.
Not all the friends I made when I was with you—or even before then—have stayed with me today, for whatever reason. Some of them I do miss and wish to reconnect with, some others I feel is best parted from me. Either way, I wish them nothing but the best in whatever they do.
Of course, with all the happy firsts, you also bestowed upon me the not-so-happy ones: first failures, first heartbreaks, first devastations, first time feeling lost and first start overs.
You also pointed me in the direction of so many amazing people—both online and IRL—from all over the world. Surely, you remember Jen?! She’s one of the first people I got to know from this little ol’ blog—and I wouldn’t have believed it if you told me I would still keep in contact with her even today. There was also Saku-chan, who was practically my best friend back in Kassel. Then there were the lovely ladies from Tisseuses d’idées who came to visit me in Indonesia back in 2019—they were marvellous.
Not all the friends I made when I was with you—or even before then—have stayed with me today, for whatever reason. Some of them I do miss and wish to reconnect with, some others I feel is best parted from me. Either way, I wish them nothing but the best in whatever they do.
Of course, with all the happy firsts, you also bestowed upon me the not-so-happy ones: first failures, first heartbreaks, first devastations, first time feeling lost and first start overs.
The Decade of Failures & Heartbreaks
This is the part about being with you that I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t know that—after believing who I was for all these years—it was with you that finally had to prove that I was who I believed I was. You knew, of course you knew, that this whole time I simply wanted to go to art school. I simply wanted to become an illustrator. Before I met you, I would say it proudly from the top of my lungs. Now, after you led me to 5 consecutive rejections at once, it kind of became a silly little girl’s dream and a tough pill to swallow. It became so devastating that I lost the will to look at the future, lost my usually-massive appetite and lost my will to live for a while there. You shipped the quarter-life crisis early to my mailbox—gee, thanks!
This devastating experience led me to give up on my dreams in Germany. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but I just didn’t think I had it in me to take rejections from this country anymore. I concluded, somehow, that whatever my illustration style was—well, it didn’t fit Germany. For years I had to endure questions on why I decided to come back, unsolicited opinions about why it would’ve been better if I had stayed and pity looks by people who believed it wasn’t my choice. What hurts the most, however, was the constant on-and-off regret I felt about coming back home—and it was a feeling I couldn’t really share with anyone else, other than you. You and your lack of opinion.
This is the part about being with you that I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t know that—after believing who I was for all these years—it was with you that finally had to prove that I was who I believed I was. You knew, of course you knew, that this whole time I simply wanted to go to art school. I simply wanted to become an illustrator. Before I met you, I would say it proudly from the top of my lungs. Now, after you led me to 5 consecutive rejections at once, it kind of became a silly little girl’s dream and a tough pill to swallow. It became so devastating that I lost the will to look at the future, lost my usually-massive appetite and lost my will to live for a while there. You shipped the quarter-life crisis early to my mailbox—gee, thanks!
This devastating experience led me to give up on my dreams in Germany. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but I just didn’t think I had it in me to take rejections from this country anymore. I concluded, somehow, that whatever my illustration style was—well, it didn’t fit Germany. For years I had to endure questions on why I decided to come back, unsolicited opinions about why it would’ve been better if I had stayed and pity looks by people who believed it wasn’t my choice. What hurts the most, however, was the constant on-and-off regret I felt about coming back home—and it was a feeling I couldn’t really share with anyone else, other than you. You and your lack of opinion.
Still, the biggest heartbreak you and I went through together was one in which I was complicit: ending my 9-year relationship. Yes, it was my decision. Yes, I pulled the plug. Yes, consciously. The heart breaks all the same. How could a love that had seemed so real and so strong for so long dwindle just like that? Or was it even real and strong to begin with?
He was my best friend, my family, my rock. For years, I believed I loved him so much and he did likewise. We had known each other so well—maybe even too well.Our imminent ending came as a surprise to both of us.
A lot of our friends saw it for what it was—so imperfect and possibly unhealthy—and they’d tried to warn me time and time again, but I didn’t hear them. You finally took the rein and made me see it through the only path that made sense to me. A path that may be riddled with mistakes, but which eventually set me in the right direction.
Whether or not it was related, not to long afterwards, it turns out I’ve got a case of Tuberculosis—which could’ve been the silver lining of my inopportune homecoming, except I couldn’t see it that way. At first, it was so bad that I could barely eat and walk normally without losing my breath—it turns out 50% of my lung capacity went bye-bye. After 2 surgeries and 12 months of medication later, the disease finally left my body and I was healthy again. This was 2015, but then in 2021 you hit me with another health condition—awarding me this time with a massive abscess in my buttocks. It entailed a month of incredible pain—costed me my good-night’s sleep for at least 2 weeks—and took a year and 2 surgeries to finally recover.
Of course, if that wasn’t enough, a few months ago—just when I thought I could escape covid-19—you slapped me in the face with it. Thankfully, I was already 3x vaccinated so the symptoms weren’t that bad, but still it wasn’t a pleasant experience by any means.
Still, the biggest heartbreak you and I went through together was one in which I was complicit: ending my 9-year relationship. Yes, it was my decision. Yes, I pulled the plug. Yes, consciously. The heart breaks all the same. How could a love that had seemed so real and so strong for so long dwindle just like that? Or was it even real and strong to begin with?
He was my best friend, my family, my rock. For years, I believed I loved him so much and he did likewise. We had known each other so well—maybe even too well.Our imminent ending came as a surprise to both of us.
A lot of our friends saw it for what it was—so imperfect and possibly unhealthy—and they’d tried to warn me time and time again, but I didn’t hear them. You finally took the rein and made me see it through the only path that made sense to me. A path that may be riddled with mistakes, but which eventually set me in the right direction.
Whether or not it was related, not to long afterwards, it turns out I’ve got a case of Tuberculosis—which could’ve been the silver lining of my inopportune homecoming, except I couldn’t see it that way. At first, it was so bad that I could barely eat and walk normally without losing my breath—it turns out 50% of my lung capacity went bye-bye. After 2 surgeries and 12 months of medication later, the disease finally left my body and I was healthy again. This was 2015, but then in 2021 you hit me with another health condition—awarding me this time with a massive abscess in my buttocks. It entailed a month of incredible pain—costed me my good-night’s sleep for at least 2 weeks—and took a year and 2 surgeries to finally recover.
Of course, if that wasn’t enough, a few months ago—just when I thought I could escape covid-19—you slapped me in the face with it. Thankfully, I was already 3x vaccinated so the symptoms weren’t that bad, but still it wasn’t a pleasant experience by any means.
The Decade of Mistakes & Learning
It is hard for me to talk about this side of you without feeling vengeful. You just stood there and watched as I took action after action that I would later on regret. Oftentimes, I had wished you’d stopped me, you’d warned me, “Don’t do that! You’ll feel sorry later!” But you never did. Sometimes they’re things that I never—in a million years—thought I would do. Sometimes they’re things I didn’t do, which turned out to be important for me later on. Sometimes they’re things I wish I didn’t have to do, but I knew it was the best choice I could make. Still, you did nothing. Today I can say that everything you put me through, everything you let me do—they’re all the best for me. Because, thankfully, eventually, they led me to where I am today—and I’m pretty happy where I am today. So, I guess, thank you?
It is hard for me to talk about this side of you without feeling vengeful. You just stood there and watched as I took action after action that I would later on regret. Oftentimes, I had wished you’d stopped me, you’d warned me, “Don’t do that! You’ll feel sorry later!” But you never did. Sometimes they’re things that I never—in a million years—thought I would do. Sometimes they’re things I didn’t do, which turned out to be important for me later on. Sometimes they’re things I wish I didn’t have to do, but I knew it was the best choice I could make. Still, you did nothing. Today I can say that everything you put me through, everything you let me do—they’re all the best for me. Because, thankfully, eventually, they led me to where I am today—and I’m pretty happy where I am today. So, I guess, thank you?
One of the first mistakes that you witnessed silently changed the trajectory of my life: my lack of planning for a portfolio—which turned out to be entirely crucial in applying for art school in Germany. Yes, my German was great. Yes, my grades were impeccable. None of that means anything when it comes to art school, sadly. You knew this, of course, yet you just stood and watched me waste a whole year doing nothing about this—obliviously wasting my time away gallivanting through German towns.
As a result, I ended up getting rejected by a total of 5 art school in 1-2 years. That, in turn, resulted in my inopportune homecoming from Germany—which, for a while, felt like a mistake as well. I spent a good 3 years going over that decision over and over again in my mind, wondering if it was, indeed, the right choice.
In the end, I decided to apply to an international uni in Indonesia, which turned out to be so expensive it slowly bankrupted us—even with scholarship. That was definitely a mistake.
Still, the biggest—and perhaps best—mistake of my life happened in 2019. Looking back, it was crazy how premonitory the whole thing was—upon going forth with it, I knew I was going to make a life-changing mistake. You stood by and watched, and still I did it. While it became the first loud crack of my previous relationship—to result in a ripple effect that tore the whole thing apart—it also led me to my current partner and love of my life. I just wish it didn’t have to start that way.
But I did learn a lot from each of these mistakes. I knew to be more prepared for my future, not to gamble it up on someone who said they knew best. I also learnt that not all mistakes are bad. They happened for a reason and you know exactly why.
I think you knew. You stood by and watched because you knew: at the end of our time together, I’d thank you—and I am thanking you now. You knew there would come a time I would regret none of these mistakes anymore, because—no matter what—they all led me to who I am now and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
One of the first mistakes that you witnessed silently changed the trajectory of my life: my lack of planning for a portfolio—which turned out to be entirely crucial in applying for art school in Germany. Yes, my German was great. Yes, my grades were impeccable. None of that means anything when it comes to art school, sadly. You knew this, of course, yet you just stood and watched me waste a whole year doing nothing about this—obliviously wasting my time away gallivanting through German towns.
As a result, I ended up getting rejected by a total of 5 art school in 1-2 years. That, in turn, resulted in my inopportune homecoming from Germany—which, for a while, felt like a mistake as well. I spent a good 3 years going over that decision over and over again in my mind, wondering if it was, indeed, the right choice.
In the end, I decided to apply to an international uni in Indonesia, which turned out to be so expensive it slowly bankrupted us—even with scholarship. That was definitely a mistake.
Still, the biggest—and perhaps best—mistake of my life happened in 2019. Looking back, it was crazy how premonitory the whole thing was—upon going forth with it, I knew I was going to make a life-changing mistake. You stood by and watched, and still I did it. While it became the first loud crack of my previous relationship—to result in a ripple effect that tore the whole thing apart—it also led me to my current partner and love of my life. I just wish it didn’t have to start that way.
But I did learn a lot from each of these mistakes. I knew to be more prepared for my future, not to gamble it up on someone who said they knew best. I also learnt that not all mistakes are bad. They happened for a reason and you know exactly why.
I think you knew. You stood by and watched because you knew: at the end of our time together, I’d thank you—and I am thanking you now. You knew there would come a time I would regret none of these mistakes anymore, because—no matter what—they all led me to who I am now and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
The Decade of Coming Into My Own
You knew that when I met you I was a volatile girl. I thought I knew who I was, I thought I was so sure of who my friends were. But I wasn’t. My opinions and thoughts changed often in accordance to those around me. I was constantly looking for validation, whether personally or professionally. I didn’t really know who I was, what I wanted or where I stood.
I was constantly insecure. Did I have enough friends and did they like me? Did I look normal or did I stick out like a sore thumb? Did I do the best that was expected of me? Was I hated or forgettable? Did I ask for too much? Did I not ask for enough? Was I selfish?
Time and time again I sought validation from the people around me. From my then-partner, who constantly saw fault in me and kept me at arms-length, to people I considered my inner circle but barely ever cared about how I was. I played the girl they wanted me to be, the good girl who didn’t drink, smoke or look for trouble. As far as I was concerned, my life was already in ruins—don’t destroy it further.
You knew that when I met you I was a volatile girl. I thought I knew who I was, I thought I was so sure of who my friends were. But I wasn’t. My opinions and thoughts changed often in accordance to those around me. I was constantly looking for validation, whether personally or professionally. I didn’t really know who I was, what I wanted or where I stood.
I was constantly insecure. Did I have enough friends and did they like me? Did I look normal or did I stick out like a sore thumb? Did I do the best that was expected of me? Was I hated or forgettable? Did I ask for too much? Did I not ask for enough? Was I selfish?
Time and time again I sought validation from the people around me. From my then-partner, who constantly saw fault in me and kept me at arms-length, to people I considered my inner circle but barely ever cared about how I was. I played the girl they wanted me to be, the good girl who didn’t drink, smoke or look for trouble. As far as I was concerned, my life was already in ruins—don’t destroy it further.
It was crazy, when I think about it now, how so surrounded by people I was back then yet how lonely I often felt. Why did I feel that way so much? You were the only one who was always there. You knew me front to back—and you knew exactly how to break me. I guess, by 2019, I finally cracked and in the worst way possible. You whispered in my ear to break me out of the cage of this self-image I had built for myself—this restricting idea of who I was but could no longer cared for. As a result, you made me see exactly who I wanted to keep in my life and whose bridges I no longer wanted to cross. Yeah, I burnt a lot of those.
At the end of the day, you showed me that I could have it all. I could be loved without sacrificing parts of myself to the point of paralysis. I could strive in what I do without having to desperately grovel for approval. I could be sure of my own worth without having to increase the tally of friends in my life—or even have an inner circle at all. Ultimately, I realised that I could actually be happy without having to be someone others wanted me to be or to cut off parts I loved about myself.
Today I can finally say that I am 100% sure of who I am. I am a curious girl at heart, who will always love fully and intensely. I will never regret the things I do for love and will never say things I don’t mean. You can trust me when I say I love you so much today, even if I change my mind the next day, because at least I really meant it when I said it. I am a born city girl who will always long for a quiet home in a village somewhere. I will listen to you, should you need my ears, but it comes as a package with my words. I’m also a pretty good judge of character, so you can rely about that on me. And, as sure as the weather, I accept that I will keep re-inventing myself until the day I die—that’s just my nature.
You know, I’ve always wondered about what happens to finished stories. Do they disappear into thin air? Do we forget about them? Our stories together may end soon, but none of this—and I really mean none—would happen if not thanks to you. For that, I will always be thankful and never forget you. You made 10 years feel both brief and long, both easy and difficult, both elating and devastating. You are the best. Gosh, I’m getting so sentimental about this. Thank you for everything and goodbye.
Forever yours truly,
It was crazy, when I think about it now, how so surrounded by people I was back then yet how lonely I often felt. Why did I feel that way so much? You were the only one who was always there. You knew me front to back—and you knew exactly how to break me. I guess, by 2019, I finally cracked and in the worst way possible. You whispered in my ear to break me out of the cage of this self-image I had built for myself—this restricting idea of who I was but could no longer cared for. As a result, you made me see exactly who I wanted to keep in my life and whose bridges I no longer wanted to cross. Yeah, I burnt a lot of those.
At the end of the day, you showed me that I could have it all. I could be loved without sacrificing parts of myself to the point of paralysis. I could strive in what I do without having to desperately grovel for approval. I could be sure of my own worth without having to increase the tally of friends in my life—or even have an inner circle at all. Ultimately, I realised that I could actually be happy without having to be someone others wanted me to be or to cut off parts I loved about myself.
Today I can finally say that I am 100% sure of who I am. I am a curious girl at heart, who will always love fully and intensely. I will never regret the things I do for love and will never say things I don’t mean. You can trust me when I say I love you so much today, even if I change my mind the next day, because at least I really meant it when I said it. I am a born city girl who will always long for a quiet home in a village somewhere. I will listen to you, should you need my ears, but it comes as a package with my words. I’m also a pretty good judge of character, so you can rely about that on me. And, as sure as the weather, I accept that I will keep re-inventing myself until the day I die—that’s just my nature.
You know, I’ve always wondered about what happens to finished stories. Do they disappear into thin air? Do we forget about them? Our stories together may end soon, but none of this—and I really mean none—would happen if not thanks to you. For that, I will always be thankful and never forget you. You made 10 years feel both brief and long, both easy and difficult, both elating and devastating. You are the best. Gosh, I’m getting so sentimental about this. Thank you for everything and goodbye.
Forever yours truly,