There are certain things in life we learn from doing and certain things we learn from other people’s experience. Unlike school subjects or college classes, the topics of these lessons aren’t specifically disclosed. You have to know which lesson to learn and which wisdom to take out of it all. One of the things you can do to become a successful person in life is to acknowledge the lessons you’ve learnt and, if possible, share them with other people. Sharing knowledge, as opposed to popular belief, can actually make you smarter, wiser and a better person. Plus, it can be so much fun! Here’s to lessons learnt and me sharing them with you.
For over three years, Firu and I have been a couple. Almost four years, even. You can read how we met here, if you like. Four years might seem like a lot, it might seem like very little. This is the only actual relationships we’ve ever had too. And, during our time together, we have shared tears, anger and laughter. We’ve been through a lot and learnt a great deal from our experiences. It’s not to say we’ve got it all figured out. Like everyone else, we’ve had our ups and downs – especially with the constant distance between us. But the lessons we’ve taken helped us a lot to cope with our situations and stress. We hope they will help you guys too.
Communication Is Key
Never underestimate the power of communication! This is true for all relationships. If you don’t let each other know how you feel and what you’re thinking, chances are they might not understand what you mean. Often two people actually mean well but they get into a huge fight because each fails to communicate their thoughts. The most common mistake is letting your emotions get the best of you, keeping you from conversing with a calm and open mind. It is best to make it a rule never to yell at and say hurtful things to each other—especially cursing.
Sometimes it’s just the heat of the moment but, once the words leave your lips, they can never be taken back. Just try to talk to them normally, addressing them like they’re your equal. You will appreciate it too when they do the same. Sometimes, though, holding your tongue is a wise choice, because some pain needs only time to heal and some words are too hurtful to keep. Just ask yourself three essential questions before you speak: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Learn to Let Go
Couples fight. It’s just a fact. If you never fight, either your time hasn’t come yet or you’re in big trouble. According to relationship expert Esther Perel, there are four toxic ways in which couples fight. The first one is called kitchen-sinking, in which couples pile on problem on top of the other—adding more and more to the issue at hand. This kind of fighting is very, very problematic—and one that I tend to do a lot—because at the end no one remembers what the fight is about. There’s also chronic picking/bickering—this is when every little thing becomes an issue—and confirmation bias—which is when a person looks for the bad in a partner and feels confirmed when it happens even only once—and, lastly, fundamental attribution error—”If I’m late, it’s because there was traffic; if you’re late, it’s because you’re a slob.”
Knowing your fighting style is very important. Afterwards, you can set up rules—with cool heads—on what not to do when you and your partner fight. The best way to resolve a fight is to not let emotion get the best of you—raising your voice and using hurtful/curse words—and talk through things when you’ve both calmed down considerably. You wouldn’t want to ruin your relationship over a fight, would you?
See Other People
Before you start running to the hottie next door, let me tell you that is not what I mean. Okay, I admit that spending quality time together is fun and intoxicating. But it’s good to hang out with other people too. Go on group dates or just hang out with a bunch of your friends or mingle with their family. Pictured above are our closest mutual friends. We love hanging out together and going places. Man, how much I miss them. When we’re all together, I get to see different sides of Firu, opinions about him from other people and I get to be a friend to him.
Being able to see our partner treat other people can be a huge turning point for a relationship. It takes down the façade that may or may not have been put there in our lone presence. Seeing your partner treat their parents, their best friends, their siblings can be a great model on how they will treat you someday—or your children in the future. It also trains your people skills as a couple. I’ve met several couples who are going strong through the support of their loved ones. One of them could be you too!
Separation Is Your Friend
If you want to see how healthy and functional your relationship is, try being away from each other. A good relationship can survive a little separation. You know the saying, “if you love something, let it go?” Well, it applies on a daily basis. Let your significant other go to work or class, hang with their pals and explore their hobbies. Meanwhile, you can also do the same and create quality time with your friends.
Respect each other’s freedom and give each other some space. It’ll help you both to cultivate your passions and get to know yourselves. As an individual, it’s only natural that you have your own interests. Don’t be afraid to explore your individuality, despite of them. Also, being away from one another gives you space to grow both individually and as a couple. Try getting away from the other person physically and mentally, then is when you truly put your love to the test. Plus, giving yourself time away from the other can revive a dying romance. I mean, how can you miss someone who’s always there, right?
Remember the Good Stuff
If all else fails, if you’ve done all of the above and keep wondering why you’re unhappy, try this: Remember the good stuff. Why do you stay in a relationship with this person? Do they make you happy? When was the last time you laughed together? Or, even, when was the last time he/she made you laugh? If you can’t remember the good stuff, there’s your sign. Maybe this relationship isn’t meant to be. Maybe it’s time you end it.
This is also a good tip when you just had a big fight and you consider breaking up with the other person. Ask yourself, can you imagine your life without him/her? Is it any better? Are you willing to live without all the things they bring to your life? Often couples break up over and over, they get back together and end it all over again. It becomes a loop until its eventual permanent doom. The way I see it, if you can see yourself living life without them once, you will keep seeing it. So what is the point of getting back together? Don’t put yourself through it all over again. Also, if you can still remember the good stuff, is it all worth it compared to all the hardships the other person brings to the relationship?
• • •
Truth be told, there are probably still plenty more things you need to know in a relationship. But, trust me, you needn’t read books or articles about relationships to make it work. Learning from experience is also the way to go. A relationship will (hopefully) change you. Hopefully, for the better. If it doesn’t change you or turn you into someone you wouldn’t want to be, maybe you should get out of the burning car.
The most resounding advice I can give you: Do not forget who you are. You can change, it’s inevitable. But you should be happy with who you are as you do. Also, I’m sure I’m not the only one in a relationship out there. If you guys have some wisdom to share, please do leave a comment below. It would really help everyone – including me. Thanks for reading, hope it helps!
There are certain things in life we learn from doing and certain things we learn from other people’s experience. Unlike school subjects or college classes, the topics of these lessons aren’t specifically disclosed. You have to know which lesson to learn and which wisdom to take out of it all. One of the things you can do to become a successful person in life is to acknowledge the lessons you’ve learnt and, if possible, share them with other people. Sharing knowledge, as opposed to popular belief, can actually make you smarter, wiser and a better person. Plus, it can be so much fun! Here’s to lessons learnt and me sharing them with you.
For over three years, Firu and I have been a couple. Almost four years, even. You can read how we met here, if you like. Four years might seem like a lot, it might seem like very little. This is the only actual relationships we’ve ever had too. And, during our time together, we have shared tears, anger and laughter. We’ve been through a lot and learnt a great deal from our experiences. It’s not to say we’ve got it all figured out. Like everyone else, we’ve had our ups and downs – especially with the constant distance between us. But the lessons we’ve taken helped us a lot to cope with our situations and stress. We hope they will help you guys too.
Communication Is Key
Never underestimate the power of communication! This is true for all relationships. If you don’t let each other know how you feel and what you’re thinking, chances are they might not understand what you mean. Often two people actually mean well but they get into a huge fight because each fails to communicate their thoughts. The most common mistake is letting your emotions get the best of you, keeping you from conversing with a calm and open mind. It is best to make it a rule never to yell at and say hurtful things to each other—especially cursing.
Sometimes it’s just the heat of the moment but, once the words leave your lips, they can never be taken back. Just try to talk to them normally, addressing them like they’re your equal. You will appreciate it too when they do the same. Sometimes, though, holding your tongue is a wise choice, because some pain needs only time to heal and some words are too hurtful to keep. Just ask yourself three essential questions before you speak: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Learn to Let Go
Couples fight. It’s just a fact. If you never fight, either your time hasn’t come yet or you’re in big trouble. According to relationship expert Esther Perel, there are four toxic ways in which couples fight. The first one is called kitchen-sinking, in which couples pile on problem on top of the other—adding more and more to the issue at hand. This kind of fighting is very, very problematic—and one that I tend to do a lot—because at the end no one remembers what the fight is about. There’s also chronic picking/bickering—this is when every little thing becomes an issue—and confirmation bias—which is when a person looks for the bad in a partner and feels confirmed when it happens even only once—and, lastly, fundamental attribution error—”If I’m late, it’s because there was traffic; if you’re late, it’s because you’re a slob.”
Knowing your fighting style is very important. Afterwards, you can set up rules—with cool heads—on what not to do when you and your partner fight. The best way to resolve a fight is to not let emotion get the best of you—raising your voice and using hurtful/curse words—and talk through things when you’ve both calmed down considerably. You wouldn’t want to ruin your relationship over a fight, would you?
See Other People
Before you start running to the hottie next door, let me tell you that is not what I mean. Okay, I admit that spending quality time together is fun and intoxicating. But it’s good to hang out with other people too. Go on group dates or just hang out with a bunch of your friends or mingle with their family. Pictured above are our closest mutual friends. We love hanging out together and going places. Man, how much I miss them. When we’re all together, I get to see different sides of Firu, opinions about him from other people and I get to be a friend to him.
Being able to see our partner treat other people can be a huge turning point for a relationship. It takes down the façade that may or may not have been put there in our lone presence. Seeing your partner treat their parents, their best friends, their siblings can be a great model on how they will treat you someday—or your children in the future. It also trains your people skills as a couple. I’ve met several couples who are going strong through the support of their loved ones. One of them could be you too!
Separation Is Your Friend
If you want to see how healthy and functional your relationship is, try being away from each other. A good relationship can survive a little separation. You know the saying, “if you love something, let it go?” Well, it applies on a daily basis. Let your significant other go to work or class, hang with their pals and explore their hobbies. Meanwhile, you can also do the same and create quality time with your friends.
Respect each other’s freedom and give each other some space. It’ll help you both to cultivate your passions and get to know yourselves. As an individual, it’s only natural that you have your own interests. Don’t be afraid to explore your individuality, despite of them. Also, being away from one another gives you space to grow both individually and as a couple. Try getting away from the other person physically and mentally, then is when you truly put your love to the test. Plus, giving yourself time away from the other can revive a dying romance. I mean, how can you miss someone who’s always there, right?
Remember the Good Stuff
If all else fails, if you’ve done all of the above and keep wondering why you’re unhappy, try this: Remember the good stuff. Why do you stay in a relationship with this person? Do they make you happy? When was the last time you laughed together? Or, even, when was the last time he/she made you laugh? If you can’t remember the good stuff, there’s your sign. Maybe this relationship isn’t meant to be. Maybe it’s time you end it.
This is also a good tip when you just had a big fight and you consider breaking up with the other person. Ask yourself, can you imagine your life without him/her? Is it any better? Are you willing to live without all the things they bring to your life? Often couples break up over and over, they get back together and end it all over again. It becomes a loop until its eventual permanent doom. The way I see it, if you can see yourself living life without them once, you will keep seeing it. So what is the point of getting back together? Don’t put yourself through it all over again. Also, if you can still remember the good stuff, is it all worth it compared to all the hardships the other person brings to the relationship?
• • •
Truth be told, there are probably still plenty more things you need to know in a relationship. But, trust me, you needn’t read books or articles about relationships to make it work. Learning from experience is also the way to go. A relationship will (hopefully) change you. Hopefully, for the better. If it doesn’t change you or turn you into someone you wouldn’t want to be, maybe you should get out of the burning car.
The most resounding advice I can give you: Do not forget who you are. You can change, it’s inevitable. But you should be happy with who you are as you do. Also, I’m sure I’m not the only one in a relationship out there. If you guys have some wisdom to share, please do leave a comment below. It would really help everyone – including me. Thanks for reading, hope it helps!